In grief how do we deal with the lost....

Christine and her guys - Winter 2012

This is a an indulgent post, but I did not know how to write a 'normal' life post so soon. My thoughts are on grief, usually a topic to be avoided, it is at the very least uncomfortable and difficult.

In grief how do we deal with the lost?...As unique as our relationships are, our ways of processing grief are too..  For me I knew if I stopped doing stuff I would not start again.  I had to carry on and get out as the truth was I hated home without Nuts, but also wanted to be there as he luv'd the garden so. For others solace heals, but for me at that point I needed to be out and about distracted with 'busyness'. A classic and stereotypical response.

At Arley Hall with my guys 2010

Burial and cremation, I always thought I had that sorted in my mind with what I was comfortable with for my guys at the wretched time.  For them to be cremated, to scatter their ashes on their favorite walk and plant a special plant in their memory.  Cry a lot and heal a little as time goes by.

This all changed with Nuts, when on that trip of no return, he came back with me. I could not bare the thought of being separated for a moment or that he would be alone whilst going to be cremated. A new path, a new way, I was not sure I would cope with a garden burial, but at that point I knew there was no alternative. Marc was away that night so there was me and the guys sitting with Nuts a wake of silent tears, nose nuzzles and hugs. Little Bear who was so faithful and true to Nuts could not comprehend what was happening with his buddy. It was heartbreaking watching the still and sleeping body, growing cooler and stiffer by the hour and Bears distress in his incomprehension.

The dawn of burial day came, and we all looked so very lost and adrift in our own mini worlds of grief. Nuts was buried with his blankets and toys and his collar, I had planned to keep his collar as a treasured memento, and in my thoughts I realised and said to Marc, 'he needs it, he always liked his collar on'. So that's what we did, all the family with us as we did this. How we did it I don't know, I guess you just do.

A beautiful summer eve - 2008

The emptiness of Nuts being gone, remains like the nothingness in the Never Ending Story. On one way life has so much to offer but it co-exists with the nothingness, a weird mix.

I have processed grief more differently, I think the last 2 years or so I have cried so much when each time it looked like we might lose him and then he valiantly rallied. His strength, his will, so when he went the finality was raw for me in anger and frustration and silent tears as I could do no more and nor could he.

What made him so special, so many things. But grief is our own journey that we travel, most of it hidden and unseen. I share this as the taboo of death means that we steer away from this uncomfortable subject and then it seems forgotten, whilst it rages on the inside. In grief we deal with the loss and life goes on.....

I am left with knowing it was my good fortune to have truly loved in my life and that Nuts was and will be forever loved and loved forever..... 

Nuts - Forever Loved, Loved Forever...

Nuts & Christine

How do you say goodbye, when you think there is one more ray of hope but Nuts said not. Nuts said it was time to go and the day I dreaded came. When all avenues are exhausted and modern medicine has run out of solutions. When Nuts no longer had the strength to fight. How do you deal with the light, hope and fight being gone? Nuts my beautiful guy who took me on a a journey to create dreams and sow ambitions that I could not believe I could have.  I was so fortunate with the connections he created and how he was with me.  He was steadfast, he was loyal, he was my main man and rock.

He was my Lassie, Pongo and Bolt all in one.   He enjoyed the ride with me and we had such brilliant times, and I could not have been prouder to have walked by his side.

Two songs that some him up to me are 'You are my first, my last, my everything' by Barry White and' Nobody does it better' by Carly Simon. And Marc said it was also 'Me and my Shadow' by Frank Sinatra. And that is so true.

No song goes with his passing, the melody of the February song helps to calm me, as we had no fight left and how I wish he did so that we could have another precious day.  I could wish it a thousand times and there I was nothing I could do to stop the ravages of time increasing its relentless and tenacious grip. How I wish my Nuts was forever young and by my side.

How I wish I could say he was 15. How I wish he would be at the door when I return from the EOs and the Worlds, I so wanted to tell him all about Zev's and I adventures. So many wishes but as the February song, one day we will be together again and I never wanted to let him down, but as he lost the strength to fight and I did not know how to help him fight, he was saying it was his time. I guess our time is our time...I just hope he understood when for the thousandth time I told him, how special, loved and perfect he is.

 

Forever Nuts. Forever loved, loved forever.....

12/02/00 to 28/05/14

Kinda happy....kinda bummed...



Christine & Nuts

Nuts has made it to 14, and the wonderment that we had got to that milestone is tempered by the Vets confirmation that he has lymphoma.

There is no more fight left for us to overcome, there is no tablet, diet or physio that can fix it. My ambivalence to birthdays grows as to me they are a marker of time that is lost, that death is coming sooner. The pleasure that others seem to gain from this annual date event is at times quite lost on me. Or as a friend said to me 'everyday is your dog's birthday', which is a compliment indeed.

Nuts

There is no treatment, that will give Nuts additional time. As always I will continue to ensure on daily basis that we do some of his favourite things.

I cannot believe as I look at him, that at some point this year our journey together will be at an end. We have defied so many odds, perhaps we will manage it again. ..

As I type this posting he lays at my side, as always so close. I reviewed all the blog postings that mention Nuts and they show that he has so brought so much to my life and what adventures we have had together.

The relationships and opportunities we have in life are remarkable and so often taken for granted...sometimes we know straight away when its extra special...I knew with Nuts and I have never lost the marvel of how special our relationship is.

 

So I kinda happy and kinda bummed.........but just so thankful that Nuts is still by my side.

The Grunt Work....

Nuts

It crazy and it hard, when your dog grows old and with Nuts it has been a huge learning curve because he is the first dog, that I have been bless to have a bit longer time with. It is a blessing but it is also a lot of grunt work and sometimes. I worry am I being kind or am I being unfair? But as with most things in life you have to rely on 'your gut' feeling or intuition. I can watch for any physical tell tale signs, to see how he is feeling. I know him that well, from the tiniest crinkle in his ear to a tightening of the lips, to just how 'he seems'. Is his quality of life good enough? I like to think so and certainly hope so.

One of the best inventions I have some across and in many ways its simplicity itself (as brilliant ideas so often are) to help Nuts and me in our quest to maintain his strength in his muscles so that he can enjoy his 'bimbles' around, join in the fun and remain included.  It is the Active Balance Ultimate Wobble Board designed by Maria Johnston of Active Balance-Vetphysio.co.uk

The video shows a little session at the weekend, everyday we to a different exercise programme, the sessions are very short and sweet.

 

In the video you can see his him give his paw it has taken 6 months of physio to get him to be able to do this. I can confess my eyes were 'moist' when that happened. When we first started the cavalletti Nuts could not do it and now he is now stepping though and able to complete the exercise.  Another benefit is being able to take Nuts for short walk, when for many months this could not happen.

Nuts

It is all vital part of rebuilding and hopefully maintaining some co-ordination and awareness of his body. It has improved the messages going from his cerebrum to his muscles as the neurotransmitters learnt a new pathway or make reconnections. Having tuition with Maria really gave me the confidence to carry out the programme.

 

All these little improvements mean so much. In reality sure there is somethings Nuts cannot do, like the stairs. But we have learnt to lift his body so that it is safe for us and him. So I guess that it is why it is the grunt work, but really I guess it is more a labour of love....

Wonderful season to have you by my side

With Nuts whilst I would always wish that he be forever young, I am so grateful for the fact that he is still my by side after June 12, when I thought I may lose him. Nuts has adapted to the limitations of his body although he will always believe he can do more. His spirit and enthusiasm to joining in continue. I love the Jonny Mathis song Wonderful, Wonderful and at the risk of being over sentimental, I revised the lyrics to reflect me and Nuts.. The relationships and opportunities we have in life are remarkable and so often taken for granted...sometimes we know straight away when its extra special...I hope I never lose the marvel of that.

We walk side by side along the rolling hills
And we breathe in the cool crisp air

We have so much fun, and had the bestest time
And my heart feels a thrill that your zest for life knows no bounds
When you just seem to know what I need, that immutable bond it's wonderful, wonderful
Oh, so wonderful.
Sometimes we stand on the top of a hill
And we gaze at the earth and the sky
Wherever I turn to you, you are always by my side
There we are, my brilliant dog, I so proud to have you by my side
 

That bond we share, it's wonderful, wonderful
Oh, so wonderful
This world is full of wondrous things it's true
And you constantly show me that is true
Some quiet evenings you sit by my side

And I think of all the great times
Everyday I look at you play, or goof around
I see how wonderful you are as you
I'm aware of the treasures that I own
And I say to myself, it's wonderful, wonderful
Oh, so wonderful!

I guess the reality is now that we have more yesterdays than tomorrows (I think I read that on facebook,, brilliantly said). But I guess it is albout making every day count, and count my blessings that Nuts is still by my side and that is wonderful .....

 

 

Nuts and the relentless march of time

It seems that I lurch from happiness to sadness, like a light switch being flicked on and off. The exhilaration of running Zev, the excitement of Marc and Mister Bigs making the Great Britain Team is more recently always tempered by the relentless march of time and its effects on Nuts.

After my bravado about how well Nuts has been doing ...The Nuts Strikes 12 - Blog Posting and Puppiesfrom-hunting-to-waiting-game - blog posting  time decides to march on....and I am like King Canute trying to hold back the tide, I have tried and failed abysmally to stall the march of time. 

As Nutsey's legs wobble and he looks at me in confusion, my emotions too wobble. I feel as if I need the equivalent of AA an anonymous meeting, where we who love can wail at the injustice of it all. But as I type this, I realise that the biggest injustice would have been never to have had the pleasure of Nutsey being by my side.

So I as hundreds and thousands of others will try to ensure that what time we have is special, I have warned Marc that if we can't get him up the stairs at home then we will have to sleep downstairs. The puppy plans may go on hold for a little while.

It has been a shock the deterioration in less than one week from enjoying his walks and bimbling about, to walks, chairs and stairs being too much. Hence the emotional post as today's walk was surreal and empty with me and Zev so very lost without Nuts with us.  Along with the guilt of leaving him at home, as in Nutsey's mind, he can still do the walks. Rivi is fortunately in her own Rivioli world and seemingly oblivious to the changes occurring.

The time is to indulge and not think about tomorrow, but enjoy the precious bitter sweetness of the todays......

Ready for.....another Nuts

Yep it that all important decision time, to think of getting a puppy in 2012.
Sometimes with great bonds I think perhaps you only come across it once or twice in a life time, like a great love ♥. I have already been blessed - with my guys can it happen again?

Nuts ♥

So the hunt is on for a puppy to join me and my guys next year.  Rivi will be five and by the time you factor in 3 years before edging to the top level if it all goes well the next puppy would not be in enroarching on Rivi in agility terms until Rivi is eight, which should be a nice progression. Worked out with the extensive gap I had before Nuts retired in 2007 and now in late 2010 finally back in Grade 7 but first full season 2011- that is a long time out at that level. But will have to focus on less is more - rather like training - quality not quantity ;-) that is to be the focus. No more worrying about lack of experience and time out. I am so over it :-) da da a light bulb moment, whilst writing my blog!!!!

This puppy plan will probably be totally mad really with work, studying and the guys and general day to day stuff. But if you wanna do it you just gotta otherwise your life is forever on hold and its to short for that. As a friend said "if you wanna make it work, then you will".
 

It's Christmas....yahooooooooooo!

Love it or hate it. And I love it, as the holidays have begun :-) And Marc loves being with me and the guys...perfect.

Just had to post this photo of Nuts, so apt with the current snow. And one of my favourites, even though it was taken a about 3 years ago.

Merry Christmas...

Don't ya ???



Don't ya just luv love. The cold spell has highlighted Nuts is aging, yep showing the signs of creeping in to old age. The odd accident with the 'pee' and now the lameness has come back if he over does it. When I made the decision to retire him at 7 and half I did grieve that I would no longer have the joy of running him. But because he had arthritis, that would not have shown up until older age, I made that decision the guidance of a vet that I am fortunate to trust and admire. Come Feb  2011 he will be 11 and whilst that it no great age for me it sounds the clock of time marching on and it is scary as hell, (if such a place exists). I think that is the trouble with loving with dogs, their passage of time is not kind.



A great photo by a South African Couple whose name
escapes me = apologies



I sincerely hope that the passage of time will be  extremely kind and Nuts will make very very old bones as I could not be prouder to have him by my side. The thought of losing him scares me silly.



Nuts luvs football

I do not understand people that run dogs in agility that may make them lame or suffer wear and tear. Surely, if you know agility may be the cause then its time to find other things to do? But I guess each to their own, we all only try to do what we believe is right? To me agility is a bonus and when I had to give it up with Nuts, I selfishly shed many a tear, wailed at friends, who so kindly understood  As running him was such a delight even when it went totally 'arse up'  due to handling errors (excuse the expression, please). But even though he has not worked agility or obedience for 3 years or more, that bond has not changed at all. I think my love for being fit and hurling myself around an agility course  was consolidated with him. How could it not? And to Nuts I owe forever and a day.

So don't just luv Love? I know I do...