Wednesday, 9 July 2014

In grief how do we deal with the lost....

Christine and her guys - Winter 2012
This is a an indulgent post, but I did not know how to write a 'normal' life post so soon. My thoughts are on grief, usually a topic to be avoided, it is at the very least uncomfortable and difficult.

In grief how do we deal with the lost?...As unique as our relationships are, our ways of processing grief are too..  For me I knew if I stopped doing stuff I would not start again.  I had to carry on and get out as the truth was I hated home without Nuts, but also wanted to be there as he luv'd the garden so. For others solace heals, but for me at that point I needed to be out and about distracted with 'busyness'. A classic and stereotypical response.

At Arley Hall with my guys 2010
Burial and cremation, I always thought I had that sorted in my mind with what I was comfortable with for my guys at the wretched time.  For them to be cremated, to scatter their ashes on their favorite walk and plant a special plant in their memory.  Cry a lot and heal a little as time goes by.

This all changed with Nuts, when on that trip of no return, he came back with me. I could not bare the thought of being separated for a moment or that he would be alone whilst going to be cremated. A new path, a new way, I was not sure I would cope with a garden burial, but at that point I knew there was no alternative. Marc was away that night so there was me and the guys sitting with Nuts a wake of silent tears, nose nuzzles and hugs. Little Bear who was so faithful and true to Nuts could not comprehend what was happening with his buddy. It was heartbreaking watching the still and sleeping body, growing cooler and stiffer by the hour and Bears distress in his incomprehension.

The dawn of burial day came, and we all looked so very lost and adrift in our own mini worlds of grief. Nuts was buried with his blankets and toys and his collar, I had planned to keep his collar as a treasured memento, and in my thoughts I realised and said to Marc, 'he needs it, he always liked his collar on'. So that's what we did, all the family with us as we did this. How we did it I don't know, I guess you just do.

A beautiful summer eve - 2008
The emptiness of Nuts being gone, remains like the nothingness in the Never Ending Story. On one way life has so much to offer but it co-exists with the nothingness, a weird mix.

I have processed grief more differently, I think the last 2 years or so I have cried so much when each time it looked like we might lose him and then he valiantly rallied. His strength, his will, so when he went the finality was raw for me in anger and frustration and silent tears as I could do no more and nor could he.

What made him so special, so many things. But grief is our own journey that we travel, most of it hidden and unseen. I share this as the taboo of death means that we steer away from this uncomfortable subject and then it seems forgotten, whilst it rages on the inside. In grief we deal with the loss and life goes on.....

I am left with knowing it was my good fortune to have truly loved in my life and that Nuts was and will be forever loved and loved forever..... 

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